Thursday, July 30, 2009

a tutorial

This is a tutorial. It will teach you how to spend $125.00 to clean your refrigerator out. I've tried it! It really works!

Directions:

1. Look at refrigerator and jump back in horror. Decide you can no longer put off cleaning it out.

2. Pull-out plastic containers, filled with disgusting, unidentifiable food. Begin cleaning them out and putting them down garbage disposal.

3. Watch sink fill with gray, brackish, horrible smelling water. The sink is clogged.

4. Pour Drano down sink. Wait 30 minutes. Wonder why you even started this project.

5. Go to sink and discover Drano isn't working on the clog.

6. Plunge hand into disgusting water to see if there is something stuck in disposal.

7. As hand is submerged, realize that there is Drano in the water and you are probably burning your skin off.

8. Pull hand-out and rinse off repeatedly. Curse self for being so stupid. Check hand every 5 minutes for signs of chemical burns. Call husband after half hour, he will assure you that, if you aren't having symptoms yet, you probably escaped disaster.

9. Return to sink, still filled with stinking water. Conjure the spirit of your maternal grandfather (if he was a plumber, like mine). Get husband's book on home repair out, get under sink, and take pipes apart, looking for clog. (Remember to wear gloves this time-see #7.)

10. Yell at daughter, "No! Mommy can't change the channel to Dora right now!"

11. Discover clog, go into backyard and hose out clogged pipe. Disgusting goo will come out. Slightly resembles the food you dumped down disposal, only coated in Drano.

12. Go back into house and reassemble sink. Pat self on back. You don't need a man! You can conquer plumbing by yourself. Note to self: Remind husband of this fact when he gets home tonight. Maybe get some flowers out of it.

13. Spend a few hours getting back to your day. Go into garden to clip lavender. Be sure your dog follows you outside and don't pay attention to where he is.

14. Realize you haven't seen the dog in awhile. Turn around. See him licking up the gunk that came out of the pipe clog. You know, the 3 month old spaghetti coated in coated in Drano?

15. Scream at dog, "Are you an idiot?"

16. Read back of Drano label. Give dog milk. Wonder how much Drano he actually ingested because you had hosed off the area.

17. Decide you will never forgive yourself if something happens to dog because YOU poisoned him. Call vet. Rush dog to vet.

18. Meet with vet after exam to be told it doesn't look like the dog has any problems. Get antacid meds for him to take over next couple of days. The dog is going to be fine.

19. Pay $125.00 vet bill.

20. Decide you need to tell husband that it would be cheaper to hire a maid.