Thursday, May 20, 2010
There's a ghost in my closet. It's the ghost of my days past.
On Monday, I decided I needed to clean-out my closet. I am lucky enough to a large walk-in closet, and it's filled with clothes. Yet, most of the clothes are not worn. And that's where the difficulty began.
I'm not wasteful. I really did once wear all the clothes hanging in my closet. Beautiful cocktail dresses, finely tailored business suits. But, five years ago my life changed with the birth of my daughter.
I used to watch those organization shows and wonder why the women were reduced to tears as the professional organizer told them to get rid of their clutter. I don't wonder anymore.
I went into my closet, with a cardboard box, determined to throw away the clothes that no longer fit me. That I have no need for. After about 30 minutes, the task only half done, I came out. Exhausted and depressed. Although I don't miss my old life, I do mourn it at times. Wonderful, expensive dinners out (alone!) with my husband. The busy days of suit wearing and ass-kicking as I built my powerful career as business consultant. And it was all there, hiding in my closet, and I was surprised it was still there, and I was very sad to pack it into a box and banish it, finally, from my life completely.
Do I even need to tell you about the additional pain of mourning my old body? The range of sizes as my weight has fluctuated up and down? (More up than down lately.) The realization that even if I could fit into that size 8 again, it will never be back in style?
A most difficult task. I'm now trying to screw-up the courage and go in there again and finish the job. And then stand back and see a closet that is 3/4 empty. I suppose I could look at it as a blank slate. A closet waiting to be filled up with clothes that represent a new life. I keep telling myself that, when I'm done, I'll reward myself with new paint and organization bins for my new closet. But today, I'm just a little sad and a little in awe, as I say good-bye to who I was, and make room for who I am now.