Tuesday, July 20, 2010

In hiding


I love to take photos.  I hate to see myself in photos.  I never take self portraits.  I get a bit "pissy" when someone points a camera in my direction.  I cringe and beat myself up when I see myself in photos.  I'm in hiding.  Always telling myself I'll like to be caught on film when I'm thinner.  Except....

I recently came to the realization that there are very few photos of me during these early years of my daughter's life.  What if, one day, she wanted to look back on her childhood and remember what I looked I like when I was younger?  By hiding from the camera, am I denying my daughter (and myself) the chance to go back in time?  

As I work on rebuilding my self-esteem, I think I need to work on accepting how I look now.  And I need to document it.  When I look back at photos of me when I was in my 20s, I remember how I hated the way I looked when I got the film back from the photo processors. (Remember when we got film developed?).  Now I look at those photos and think about how thin, and young, and pretty I was.  I need to remember that one day, I'll look back at today's photos and, at the very least appreciate my relative youth and the person I was at that time.  I'm going to make an effort to take more photos of myself and let others take them of me.  

What about you?  Do you like the way you look in photographs?  Do you hide from the camera?